


when i look in the mirror, i am not myself

by strawbrrycreme



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Friendship, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27087016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawbrrycreme/pseuds/strawbrrycreme
Summary: Kevin has a Dissociative Identity Disorder, and he is just trying to live his life navigating through all of the turmoil the disorder gives him.(cw: this goes into depth of my feelings, so if you also have a dissociative disorder be wary of discussions of: integration, dissociation. this list will be updated as sections are added so be sure to check in if something may be sensitive for you. stay safe everyone)
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob & Moon Hyungseo | Kevin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	1. somethings changing

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is entirely my feelings and experiences with a dissociative disorder being presented through characters. it is a means to share my story and allow for others to understand and allow for stigma around the disorder to dissipate.
> 
> we are not evil, or harmful, just simply us.
> 
> find me here to ask any questions you may have  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/strawbrrycreme) | [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/strawbrrycreme)

When Kevin peeled his body from the bed he sat on the edge, looking at the closed curtains. Grey, light and dusty. The window was open like it usually was, the breeze making his feet cold as they dived into the warm carpet on sensitive skin. It was still light outside from what he could tell, maybe afternoon? It was turning orange, so closer to dinner time perhaps. He didn’t know how long he was out for.

Out, not like sleeping, just un-functional. 

Jacob knew as soon as Kevin had spaced out on the couch nothing good was coming. He was too familiar with that far out look in the boy’s eye, and the fact he was hardly responsive, that he was gone. He didn’t mind, he knew what was happening. He gently pushed at the boy’s shoulder enough for him to hum in response.

_Can you walk?_

Kevin nodded to reply from what he remembers, but it was all fuzzy now. Hardly a memory, closer to a dream. He doesn’t really remember getting into bed, let alone what we was doing before Jacob half carried him to it.

He finally stood, sighing lightly. How much time did he lose from that? Lying in bed so far from reality with his eyes closed just hoping it would pass? He moved from the bedroom to the living room, feet shuffling and arm reaching to rub his back that was hurting more than he remembered before everything happened.

Jacob was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, bringing it to the couch to study. He stopped in his tracks and took in the tired boy. Kevin was shaking lightly, obviously exhausted. He knew how much it took out of him to have spells like this.

“Still Kev?”

Kevin nodded, standing in front of the boy. He could feel the cotton in his mouth, and he didn’t know if he could bring himself to talk in response. Yes, he was still Kevin. Jacob knew his tells pretty well to see the differences between them, which Kevin always thanked him for.

_It's the least I can do to make you comfortable._

It's what Jacob always said. That he cared and if it meant he rarely misgendered someone or called them by someone elses name, then he would work for that. That first conversation made Kevin cry. He remembered what it was like when he told Jacob. The fear, how he was shaking and his voice didn’t feel like his own because Sangyeon had to say it for him. How Jacob was so attentive and understanding. How they spent hours talking and answering any questions Jacob had, and boy did he have many. Kevin cried so much during that process, Jacob not once leaving his side.

This was Kevin. Not the alter, Kevin. The human Kevin. The boy with a dozen other people residing in his head. Each with a job, an individual personality, individual views. He was scared to tell Jacob. Scared, because if Jacob rejected him, who else could he trust other than his best friend. Scared, because the idea was impossible to wrap his own head around, let alone trying to get someone else to understand. Scared, because the people he had told up until that point told him he was _lying_ , or _crazy_ , and _dangerous_.

Kevin was not these things to Jacob. Not even close. He was just Kev, and maybe this was something to get used to, _but you’ve always been important to me and this doesn’t change anything_.

He didn’t even accuse Kevin of not trusting him when he said he was scared to tell him, just nodding and saying that he understood. It had been months since then and Jacob was the best person he could’ve ever asked for.

“Kev?” Jacob asked, the boy shaking his head. “Do you want coffee, too?”

Kevin knew he had asked a first time, but the question had never registered. “Yes, please. Sorry, I was thinking.”

Jacob was already on his way to the kitchen, pulling out Kevin’s favorite mug and filling it with coffee before adding milk and sugar. He liked coffee, but not enough for it to be black. Jacob was a master at doing it for him at this point. When he handed it over to Kevin the boy immediately sighed at the warmth he so desperately needed.

“Tell me, Kev?”

Kev hummed, taking a sip of his coffee and feeling the warmth fall down his throat. It made his chest heat up and calmed him down a bit. He would get the shakes from it later, but it would be okay if it helped now.

“Something’s been bothering you, I can tell. For the past few days I’ve noticed but never asked, so will you tell me what’s happening? I know I can’t do much but me understanding is enough, no?”

Kevin nodded lightly. He wished nothing more than to have Sangyeon with him, that made him brave. He had to be brave on his own today. “So you know that we had an integration and all, yeah?”

“Mhm, you and Jay. It's been a few days since then, I thought integration was a good thing.”

“It is… kind of,” Kevin started, the two boys sitting on the couch, heels pulled into chests on opposite sides. Kevin hated eye contact most days, especially when he was spilling his feelings, but something about Jacob was different. He felt like Sangyeon today. “It's supposed to be good, and it still is. Jay just… was important to the system. Like a lot. He did a lot for us on the inside and took care of everyone and it's just been difficult. Everyone is coping with him being gone and now that he partially is, after combining with me, it's just--”

Kevin choked back a sob, feeling the heat of his mug and focusing all his attention on that. He didn’t need the tears. He had been avoiding thinking about all of this for fear of this exact moment. He didn’t want to accept the change because it had been so long with Jay there for him. Jay was his rock, everyone’s rock. Now that he wasn’t there, a void had settled. 

“I miss him, Jake. More than I should. He made it so I could talk to everyone and now I can’t hear anybody other than Sangyeon. The amnesia is worse between us all and I can’t do anything about it. For the first time in years, all these people I depended on have seemingly disappeared without a trace. _I know they’re there, but they’re so distant it's like they’re not, and I’m lonely in my head again._ Not to mention it fucking hurt. So bad. I thought I was dying Jake, I really mean that. We were stuck midway through integration just confused and when it finally did happen Changmin had to take over to keep us from fainting. I'll never be able to explain how terrified I was that after everything I would cease to exist. Would my memories still exist? Would I be anything like me? _What happens if one day I close my eyes and when I open them there is nothing_?"

Kevin’s eyes were teary and he pulled his sleeves down to wipe away the droplets. He could cry in front of Jacob, that wasn’t he worry. He just wanted to meet eyes with the boy in front of him. When he could finally see Jacob, he was wiping a stray tear too.

“Oh my god, Jake. Why are you crying?”

He let out a hearty chuckle to himself for crying with Kevin like he could understand how much the boy probably was feeling, “Because honestly, I liked Jay too. It’s sad for me to see him gone, but it also just hurts that you’re hurting and I can’t do anything about it.”

Kevin took a sip of his coffee, mumbling after the taste on his tongue dissipated, “Stop, or you’ll make me cry for real.”

They sat in silence for a while, drinking their coffee before it cooled too much to be enjoyable. Kevin liked moments like this, where he could just talk to Jacob and he would listen or even just sit with him on the couch to think. He would occasionally ask questions or Jacob’s opinion about whatever he was distracted with that day. Sometimes, every once in a while, it got quiet enough to feel like he was normal.

“So you can hear Sangyeon, but nobody else?”

Kevin nodded, a hum leaving Jacob’s throat as he took his final sip of coffee. 

“What does he say?”

“Just to give it time. Eventually, it has to get better, right? I can’t tell if he’s just comforting me and he’s worried about it though. He has enough on his plate I don’t want him to feel like he has to take care of me too.”

“He would if you asked him to.”

Kevin nodded, knowing Jacob was right. But he couldn’t do that just yet. He just wanted everything to smooth over, to hear everyone like he used to. Jay made it easier to communicate and now it felt like the phone line had been cut off while he was left in the middle of the woods to flounder.

“Can you give me a headcount again?”

“Me, Sangyeon, Sunny, Changmin, Chanhee, Eric, Hak, Jewel. From what I can tell that is. From what Sangyeon can tell me. It's still all fuzzy.”

Jacob hummed lightly, making note of everything. Jacob was attentive and Kevin thanked him so much for it. Really, because he needed it. He felt comfortable enough to tell him these things, live his life not masking what it was like for him. It was still hard, but Jacob was always there for him. He would never fully understand, but it was close enough for Kevin to appreciate it.

“Kev, if I’m being honest, I think Sangyeon is right. There isn’t much to do other than wait for things to get better. I’ll be here for you like I always am, and I know it's frustrating for all of this to happen. To feel like it's getting better only for it to be worse. I know how you think at this point, but until things happen we just have to be patient.”

“Can we go out tomorrow, Jake? Go to the park and just sit under a tree or maybe to the library to check out a new book?”

“Whatever you’d like.”

_Whatever you want._

_Whatever I want._

_Whatever we want._

_Because we deserve it._


	2. love isnt all that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love is a hell of a lot harder when there's more of you

“Kevin if you keep pacing I’m going to tie you down to this couch.”

Kevin could hear the rustle of beads in the plastic container for probably the thousandth time that day. He had somehow roped Jacob into doing bracelets with him even though he didn’t like them, just because he could physically see something had been bothering Kevin lately.

Lately being, a loose term.

Every few days for the past few weeks something just seemed… off.

Not necessarily with Kevin, not like anything else Jacob was used to with living with a dissociative disorder, just him. Kevin himself, something was bothering him. Jacob was used to Kevin overthinking things, that wasn’t new, and keeping them to himself wasn’t new either, but by now he would’ve said something.

“Tie me down with what?” Kevin sighed as he plopped himself on the couch behind where Jacob was sat on the floor working on a bracelet he did not care that much about.

Kevin had been overthinking, because really, no matter how much he thought the problem out, it still persisted. He could weigh the pros and cons, figure out all the tiny little details, and it still wouldn’t matter. Nothing would change, he knew that much. Why? Because the outcome was never in his control.

“I’ll find something,” Jacob started, digging through a pile of beads to find a specific color he needed. “I’m not going to force you to talk to me but I’m starting to get frustrated for you.”

Kevin groaned and pulled one of the couch pillows over his face, dramatically falling down to sprawl on the couch. “If I tell you that means I have to face my feelings.”

“You act like you haven’t been doing that the past twenty minutes with all your pacing!”

“Shut up and work on your bracelet!”

The silence didn’t bother them. Jacob knew it would take a few minutes for Kevin to try to gather his thoughts, for him to find the right words to explain himself. If his cogs were turning for this many days and he had yet to figure it out, it must’ve been complex.

Kevin was always complex, at least he felt that way. That’s why whenever Kevin had something on his mind, he came to Jacob. It was the easiest way for him to use all his words to think about the problem and solve them himself. When all those thoughts got jumbled to himself he chased circles and got nowhere.

“What if I’m falling in love.”

“God, I hope not with me.”

Kevin hit Jacob in the back of the head with the couch pillow, eliciting a jingle of beads and Jacob cursing under his breath about how Kevin messed up his bracelet.

“You know with who!”

“I don’t quite see how this is a problem, Kev.”

Kevin sighed. He didn’t want to admit anything, let alone to Jacob, because he didn’t know. When he integrated he had to make sure of everything all over again, had to set new boundaries because the ones already set made him uncomfortable. Had to see if anything else had changed.

Yeah, things did change. Things he didn’t want to think about. 

He was pretty sure he was on the aromantic spectrum now, perhaps demi or grey, but he didn’t want to admit to that. If any, not because he minded being those things, because he didn’t. He liked being himself. Just more he had known something different for so many years that the change was too drastic to grasp.

“I just-- don’t know. I can’t tell if I enjoy the company or if I can call it love. And before you say anything, yes I know there’s no rush. I know I don’t have to have a label and I know that love is only what I define it as but there are so many problems that come with me falling in love and I’d rather know than be left wondering.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Jacob’s previously annoying voice had softened, knowing Kevin needed the level-headedness he always offered. Kevin thought about it too. Had he ever been in love? Was his last crush love or was it just that, a crush? Before integration, they had experienced love, but he had no idea what that felt like.

What was it supposed to feel like?

“I don’t know, that’s what’s frustrating. I want to know, but I can’t.”

“Well, Kev,” There was a dig for another bead, that beautiful ting that had become second nature to the living room when Kevin was stressed, “You know I’m just going to tell you to give it time. You have no idea if it’ll work out or not, and I know you feel like you have to be in control, but this just isn’t one of those things.”

“I’m losing my mind.”

Jacob went back to his bracelet making, knowing exactly how this kind of thing goes. Kevin starts a conversation, thinks about it for a few minutes longer, and runs in circles. Thinks too long about something altogether that when he finally tries to explain to Jacob it's in pieces.

This is the kind of problem that has a thousand different beginnings. Yeah, Kevin doesn’t know what love is, he doesn’t know if this is it. He wants it to be, and yet at the same time he looks at himself and he wonders if he flirts with too many people. If people look at him like he’s something he’s not, if he talks and drops people too quickly.

He always justified it as him testing the waters, to see if any kind of spark was there, and it never was. Now, maybe there was something, he could say that much, but there were other things in the way.

“What if they don’t accept me?”

“You told me they would.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Then tell me what you mean.”

There was a lot to that statement, Jacob knew it. Jacob knew what he meant by accept me. The dissociative disorder that Kevin had. He had said the person was willing to learn, more than willing to work because they liked him too, but past that Jacob didn’t understand.

“I’m scared Jacob. It's one thing for me to say I have this and another to show it to people.”

Jacob knew Kevin took a while to trust people, for a good reason too. Not everyone is kind when they hear about these things of things, and not everybody believes the truth. 

“What if I show them and they don’t want that. You see how much work it is to take care of me, and I can’t ask someone else to do that.”

“I do it because I love you. Don’t you think they would do it if they loved you too?”

Kevin took a deep breath and seriously contemplated it. Thought about this little spark he was trying to kindle, not even knowing if it would lead to something. But it mattered to him, so it was worth trying. The first step was always just… the scariest.

“They’ve never seen the littles, Jake. They’ve never experienced a breakdown, what it's like when I dissociate for long periods of time and am not myself. They don’t know what it's like when someone gets triggered, or what to do if any of this were to happen. They don’t understand if we were to date that means only me, that they’d have to meet other people and find their differences, that not everyone will like them. I’d love to teach them, but how do I do that when I don’t know if they’ll want to care for me like that?”

_I can’t ask them to care for me more than loving me._

“Kevin, I adore you. I adore everyone else too, you know that. If you want my opinion, teach them. Teach them slowly, and as it comes, because knowing you and knowing them, it’ll turn out okay.”

“How do I know it will?”

“You don’t.”

“I hate that answer.”

“Listen, I know you don’t want to burden other people with your problems, and trusting to share them is a lot, but when you said you’d love to teach them that means you trust enough already. You don’t have to be doing anything other than giving it time and showing them when you feel the time is right to do so.”

_You trust them enough already._

_I trust them enough already._

_I trust them._


End file.
